i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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