So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
