I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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