so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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