her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Drunk is not a location!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
