I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
