My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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