not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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