I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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