Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
