Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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