Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
