In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
