Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
