you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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