I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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