I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
