weddingsv make me drug and hornr
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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