I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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