So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
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You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
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You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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