i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
