It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
