Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
