So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
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You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
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My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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