I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
did i just pee glitter
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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