She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.