Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So many bounce houses so little time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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