At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
