Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
