The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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