I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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