Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Is it penis luge time yet?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
