We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
