Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
