When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
