My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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