when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
