I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
