never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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