I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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