Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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