I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
