i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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