youre lurking in front of me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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