i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
