now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
