A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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