I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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