What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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