I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
