did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
