somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
my liver is dry heaving
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
