Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
