i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I am one with the molecules
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.