My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
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You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.