I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream