I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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