Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
