I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
