i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Randomize