i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
