You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
