Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
