If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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